Long Live Frank Fixaris!

I figure we all probably have some funny jokes to share. So let's have at it!


A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.

The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have
two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so
Forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just
want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee
time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have
time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave
man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the
pain."

So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show
him.

A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.

Two guys from Aroostook county are driving along a road. They pass a small restaurant, with a sign that says "today's specials - lobster tail and beer."

One guy says to the other, "God damn, my three favorites!"

OK, last one for tonight. I heard this one recently on "Car Talk."

An elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing on their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money -- fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door. "Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.

One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, 'Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday.... '

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."

A guy takes his priest out fishing, he hooks a big bass and when he hauls it into the boat he exclaims; "Look at the size of that sonofabitch!"

The priest looks shocked and the guy thinks quickly and says; "it's okay father, this species of fish is called a sonofabitch, I wasn't swearing. Take it back home for dinner."

The priest takes the fish home and while he's cleaning it in the kitchen a nun walks in and he says; "sister, look at the size of this sonofabitch."

She looks shocked, and the priest says; "it's okay sister, this species is called a sonofabitch, I wasn't swearing. I'm cooking the fish for dinner, would you like to join me?"

The priest and the nun are cooking the fish together when the Bishop walks in and the nun says; "Bishop, doesn't this sonofabitch smell delicious?"

The Bishop looks shocked and the nun says; "Bishop, this species of fish is called a sonofabitch, I wasn't swearing. Won't you join us for dinner?"

The priest, nun, and Bishop are sitting down to eat when the Pope walks in. In unison the nun, priest, and Bishop say; "Your holiness, look at this sonofabitch!"

The Pope looks at them and says; "You motherf***ers are alright."

A hooker walks up to a man in a bar. She says, "tonight's your lucky night. I'll do three things for you tonight. Any three things you want. And it'll only cost you three hundred bucks."

The guy says, "fair enough." He opens his wallet, and places three crisp hundred dollar bills on the bar. And then he says...

"paint....my....house."

A redneck was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the Shadows.


"Twenty dollars" she whispers.

Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks, so they hide in the bushes.

They're "engaged" for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?"
Asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife!" Bubba answers sounding annoyed.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop,
"I didn't know."

"Well, neither did I, til ya shined that light in her face."

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No," he says, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else-a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"..
The man shakes his head.
"No, they're all at the funeral."

Here's an oldie but a goodie:

WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING...

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to box stores including Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Madam,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

Back in the day, when he was right out of college, my old man took a job up in the County. It was his first radio gig, and he was excited to be employed, even if it meant relocating to the edge of civilization. So up to Presque Isle he goes...he rents a room, heads to work, and meets his co-workers. His immediate supervisor, a programing manager named Roman, says to the old man, "Hey Frankie, we got a few of us heading out after work tonight for a little shin-dig. Care to join us?"
Well, my pop being new to the area, and more than a little desperate to make friends, he replies, "Sure, Roman, that would be great."
That night Roman and my old man sign-off, hop in the car, and start driving out into the middle of nowhere. After about a half-an-hour they stop the the edge of an old abandoned quarry. From this vantage my pop said he could see just the tiniest light from a fire glowing all the way down at the bottom of the excavated ruins. He and Roman took great care not to fall and finally made it to the fire, where Pop observed all the people he had met during his first day of work (and many more he hadn't met at all) wearing caribou skins and doing some sort of ritualistic tribal dance.
So pop, needless to say, is pretty creeped out. Just when he thought he had seen it all, a gentleman (wearing his caribou hide) steps to an elevated area near the fire, pulls out a make-shift bugle made of elk horn, blows it and yells, "CAAAAAAAAAARRRRRR-AAAAAAAA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
To my old man's amazement several dozen caribou line the ridge overlooking the quarry. The man blew his horn again and yelled his call, "CAAAAAAAAARRRRRRR-AAAAAAA-BOOOOOOOOO!!!" The caribou responded by launching into a full stride, running as fast as they could down the ridge, straight at the odd group of caribou hide wearing "party animals."
When the caribou arrived at the fire pit, all the men in the crowd began clubbing the beasts until they were unconscious, and then (much to my father's horror) began forcing themselves (yes, I do mean THAT) on the helpless creatures.
So pop had to make a decision. Here he was, more or less stranded in the middle of the Maine wilderness with a group of local caribou rapists. He could either make a break for it, hope he survived long enough to find help, and jeopardize his future of working in the broadcasting community, OR....well...when in Rome, do as the Roman's do.
Pop chose the latter. He picked up a club, bashed one of still conscious caribou over the head, and did what he had to do in order to ensure being socially accepted by the people who could make or break his future. He had no more than started when all the other guys stopped, looked over at him and began laughing.
"Okay, what the hell!" shouted my old man. "It's not like I was doing anything you all weren't."
"That's a fact." replied Roman. "But Frankie," he continued "That has got to be the UGLIEST caribou we have ever seen!"

Huh. I didn't start my day with the expectation that I'd see the phrase "caribou rapist" written somewhere.

Five rules for men to follow for a happy life:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

Signed,
Tiger Woods

An insurance agent was visiting in the home of a potential client. The prospect, an old farmer, told the agent he was interested in purchasing fire insurance to cover his home. Trying not to appear too skeptical, the agent looked around at the various potential fire hazards in the farmhouse: stacks of old newspapers, exposed electrical wires, a rusty wood burning stove and a generally unkempt atmosphere. With as much tact as he could muster, the agent told the farmer, "Well sir, I don't think my company would be able to offer fire protection for you. However, I believe I could help you get a flood policy issued." The farmer appeared to be deep in thought for a moment and then remarked, "Don't reckon I know how to start a flood."

Paraphrasing from Zach Galinfizxzxzxyc's Saturday Night Live monologue this past weekend:

My girlfriend is writing a book. It's titled "Modern Feminism in America." It's pretty good...for a girl.